And now I present… the second chapter ofÂ Chicken Poop for the Mole!
Mr. and Mrs. Mole
Mrs. Mole was a horrible person with a nasty temper.
She would thwack at birds with her morning paper, cast the meanest dagger eyes she could at the children across the street, and hurl spoonfuls of bland porridge at the odd dog who peed on her garden.
But the birds dodged her thwacks with cheery hops, the children never looked up from their games to notice her dagger eyes, and the odd dog was thrilled to gobble up the chunks of flying porridge.
So even though Mrs. Mole was a horrible person with a nasty temper, nobody hated her. Because nobody cared.
Except for her husband.
One day Mr. Mole decided he had had enough of his wife. So he decided to bake her a Farewell Pie, which heâ€™d just read about on the Internet.
Now a Farewell Pie is a very straightforward thing. Feed someone a farewell pie and they will disappear from your life. Forever.
And a Farewell Pie is very simple to make. Just fill it with the victimâ€™s favourite pie fillings mixed with the final, fatal ingredient: a can of chicken poop.
So Mr. Mole embarked on a search for a can of chicken poop.
But he didnâ€™t want just ANY can of chicken poop.
He wanted the BEST can of chicken poop on the market to make sure that Mrs. Mole would be dead as a doornail.
He would CERTAINLY not settle for any watered-down imitation chicken poop!
So Mr. Mole once more consulted the Internet. He refused to consider any product with a rating lower than *****/*****.
This left him with only one product: Molly Majesticâ€™s Magical Chicken Poop in a Can. Mr. Mole read the reviews.
â€œDeliciously sensational chicken poop! You wonâ€™t find a better can in this lifetime or the next!â€ *****/*****
â€œMMM Chicken Poop is consistently fresh with a truly irresistible pungent odour!â€ *****/*****
â€œHighly effective. Strangely addictive.â€ *****/*****
So Mr. Mole hurried to the general store to buy Molly Majesticâ€™s Magical Chicken Poop in a Can. Then he went home and made a pie filled with Mrs. Moleâ€™s favourite pie fillings — earthworms and cherries — and, of course, MMM Chicken Poop in a Can.
He threw the pie in the oven and could barely contain his glee while the tantalizing aromas of the pie wafted through their little cottage.
When the pie was ready, Mrs. Mole came thundering into the kitchen. In no time she had gobbled up the pie.
Then Mr. Mole waited and waitedâ€¦
but Mrs. Mole did not die.
Instead, an incredibly hunky mole appeared out of thin air. He swept Mrs. Mole off her feet and whisked her away in his muscly arms.
And that is how Mrs. Mole disappeared from Mr. Moleâ€™s life. Forever.
~ * ~ * ~
So, what did you think of this instalment ofÂ Chicken Poop for the Mole? Can you relate to Mr. Mole? Have you too scoured the Internet for a way to disappear somebody from your life? Tell the truth!